Humanity

I ran a 22:07 Parkrun this morning, a sub 2 hour half marathon on Wednesday and a solid 10km on Monday. I'm starting to believe that I can use the challenges of this year as fuel to be stronger, faster and healthier than I was before APML.

Breaking my finger a few weeks ago has meant I've been, once again, sidelined from the BJJ and MMA mats. It's also affected the type of weight training I can do. Thankfully, it hasn't affected my running and that's been my focus lately. I've had a really strong week and felt like I caught glimpses of my old self. This coincided with my latest blood test results which are almost back to normal. Energy levels are returning, the brain fog is lifting and I'm feeling good. The consultant told me it can take 6-12 months to get back to full fitness. Challenge accepted!

As August and the school holidays drew to a close, I managed to get to my first fell race in over a year at Eyam. It was tough but the scenery was incredible and I felt the sheer child-like joy of running at full pelt down a steep hill. It was a lovely late summer evening and it was an absolute dream sat in the sun with my partner enjoying a post race pint.

I've been a bit pre-occupied with my weight lately. I felt like I'd put back on a bit of timber and I abandoned my club vest for the fell race as it felt too tight. I then looked back through my diary and saw that I was the exact weight I am now, a couple of weeks prior to my diagnosis. Two months after that, I had lost 2 1/2 stone. My impatience and drive can be a positive force, but it's important to remember what my body has been through this year and perhaps be a bit kinder to myself. 

While it's frustrating looking back at pre-Cyril photos, race times, gym programmes, etc, the fact is - I'm still here. I've had to dig out some of my letters from the haematology consultants ahead of my imminent return to work. One of them, in the early days of my diagnosis, explicitly said: "chances of recovery are high if the patient survives the first round of treatment." The resonance of the word "if"reverberated in my mind for some time after I read that letter. I don't think I realised the level of risk at the time. In my mind I had no option but to trust the experts and crack on with the treatment. Thank God I trusted them. The NHS gets a lot of stick but, in my experience, when the shit hits the fan, they are excellent.

I've been enjoying the last few weeks of freedom before I go back to work. I've spent time with my Daughter, my Partner, friends and extended family. It's been exactly what I need and I'm glad I didn't rush back to work too soon. I feel ready now.

I had a few appointments with a psychologist to help understand where I am in the healing journey and, in my own mind, assess how I'm coping. Essentially, we concluded that I'm coping well and everything I've been feeling, given what's happened lately, is perfectly normal. Sometimes it's reassuring to have somebody impartial tell you that. 

I still have times when I miss people who I have lost. I have times when I feel a bit down. I have times when I don't have a lot of energy or enthusiasm. But who doesn't? We're not this perfect picture of social media happiness. We are abundantly joyful, painfully miserable and everything in between. I think that's what it means to be human and embracing that is the key to finding peace.