Post Traumatic Growth

It's been two months since I completed my treatment, rang the bell and closed my first blog - Letters to Cyril.

I've been thinking about following it up for a while now, because the recovery doesn't end when treatment finishes.

Admittedly, the loss of my Mum had a big impact on the anti climactic feelings I experienced when I had my final dose of chemotherapy. But I've also learned it's normal to feel that way and many cancer survivors report the same.

There's something about the loss of security and structure that comes with the end of treatment. In the beginning, while the risk is high, you are made to feel important by the medical team. You feel that you are in safe hands. As you start to get better, that comfort blanket is removed. It's a strange experience. You envisage walking out of the hospital and punching the air. Picking up where you left off. But the journey has changed you.

I've had a couple of therapy appointments recently to try and process the challenges I've faced this year. While talking about my APML diagnosis, treatment and recovery, my therapist described a boulder being moved. While the crushing weight of the boulder may be gone, the grass underneath is not green and healthy any more. It's yellow and tired. How could it not be? But it will heal. 

I've also learned that healing doesn't always occur in an upward, linear and neat trajectory. Think untidy zig-zags as opposed to a straight line. I'm OK with that and I'm coping well with the ups and downs. The ultimate goal is Post Traumatic Growth.

I decided to have an extra couple of months off work and return in mid-September. This will give me the Summer to actually enjoy time off while feeling healthy. No treatment, very few appointments and quality time with family, friends and loved ones. 

I've started training again. Running and weights. The half marathon in September feels achievable now and, as another incentive, £500 has been raised for Reorg Charity and Cancer Research*. 

I've been to a few MMA and BJJ sessions but I've had a bit of a setback recently with an abcessed tooth, a difficult extraction and subsequent complications. I've not felt up to rolling lately. I know I'll get back into it though

I don't intend to write as often as I did before but, hopefully, the handful of people who actually read this might get something from it!

*Reorg and Cancer Research Fundraiser